Excess baggage

There are some people who we love to hate, despite how close they had been to us in the past. Sometimes the feeling of hate builds up so strong over time that the core reason why we started to hate them takes a back seat! What everyone doesn’t know though is, unlike love, it can get very stressful and heavy on oneself to carry the hate! Today as I was driving back to home, I just cannot believe how much disservice I did to myself by carrying this weight all these years on my friend-turned-foe, Abhinav.

Abhinav and I were good friends to begin with, when we joined the engineering college on the same day. We were roommates in our first year in the hostel and continued to hang out together ever since. What I started noticing with time was that his circle of friends grew bigger, whereas I always felt he was my only good friend. He was more popular among girls as well. He was jack of all trades – theater, music, arts and sports and that fetched him friends from all quarters. On the other side, I continued to be the topper in academics. I was the lecturers’ favorite kid.

While we continued to be good friends, I knew I was getting jealous of his big circle of friends and I assumed he was jealous of my popularity with the staff. As we approached the final year of our engineering, it was time for the elections to the student council. The dean called me to his chamber and suggested I contest for it. I was all up for it; in fact, I was counting on Abhinav and his wide circle of friends. That evening I met him in the TV room and excitedly told him about the dean’s suggestion expecting him to be equally excited. Instead, he was shocked and said the outgoing senior batch suggested him to contest and he readily agreed expecting to get my support with the staff! We argued about how the other person should withdraw but neither of us backed out. We ended up contesting against each other.

I had the support of the staff which hardly mattered in the student council elections, so I suffered a humiliating defeat. Walking past their celebrations, I thought Abhinav gestured something obscene at me and I punched him on the face! He held me by collar, but he just pushed me aside. That little composure he showed won him more accolades. For rest of my final year, every time a group of students saw me, I felt they were discussing about me. Every time someone laughed, I felt they were making fun of me. My humiliation, my low self-esteem and conscience, my shrunken friends circle – everything was directed at hating him! I avoided any place or person that shares space with him. And I carried that feeling ever since. The hate only grew stronger with passing time.

Today, after almost 5 years of college, as I was getting to my car after work someone lifted me from behind and screaming in joy! I was shocked to see Abhinav when I turned back! He was totally upbeat, “Vijay, it’s been so long seeing you… how are you dude? Come let’s go for a drink” and we ended up at the bar while I was still struggling to get to terms with what’s going on. What I noticed though is he is genuinely happy at seeing a long-lost friend, and the way he was reminiscing about all our college time memories made me wonder if he even remembers an iota of what I have been holding him against! When I finally mumbled, “Abhi, that final year episode…” he cut me short with a hearty laugh and said, “seriously, what a hilarious incident that was! We’re a real bunch of childish freaks, aren’t we?”.

How lightly he took the incident made me realize – the incident that I was boiling with hatred over, he made of joke of it! I skipped every gathering of our friends ever since only to avoid him. I missed the fun, the good times, our convocation, and any memory of college used to fire me up even at bedtime with my anger towards him. And here he is, who didn’t even consider it a big deal, remembers our good times instead of hating me over a freakish incident and totally ecstatic about seeing me after many years! While he lived his life with no baggage, I’ve been carrying the weight of hatred and lost peace of mind all these years! The excess baggage isn’t worth it!!